Month: November 2022

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Parent's Perspective

How do I tell my child about his difference?

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How do I tell my child about his difference?

Your special needs child might very well be aware of his difference. But does he fully grasp the nature of his neurodiversity?

Unless you have approached this topic with him, it is possible that even though your kid knows he has specific challenges, he might not understand why he has them. This is especially true in cases of neurodevelopmental conditions, as opposed to physical or medical disabilities.

Many parents of neurodiverse children struggle with whether to have this conversation with their child. They fear the information might be difficult for the kid to process, or that the weight of a disclosed diagnosis could shatter their child’s fragile self-esteem.

However, most experts agree this conversation should happen at some point. Below, you will find some things you might want to consider before initiating the talk.

How do I tell my child about his difference?

Your special needs child might very well be aware of his differences. But does he fully grasp the nature of his neurodiversity?

Unless you have approached this topic with him, it is possible that even though your kid knows he has specific challenges, he might not understand why he has them. This is especially true in cases of neurodevelopmental conditions, as opposed to physical or medical disabilities.

Many parents of neurodiverse children struggle with whether to have this conversation with their child. They fear the information might be difficult for the kid to process, or that the weight of a disclosed diagnosis could shatter their child’s fragile self-esteem.

However, most experts agree this conversation should happen at some point. Below, you will find some things you might want to consider before initiating the talk.

Are you ready for this conversation?

To test your readiness for this discussion, you might want to examine your views toward neurodiversity. Have you come to terms with your child’s differences or diagnosis, if he has one? Do you view people with neurodevelopmental conditions as “less than” or in need of a medical “cure”? Do you worry about what others might think once they find out that your child is neurodiverse? Do you think that your kid’s self-esteem will be affected once he learns that he is “different”?

Parents need to accept and embrace their child’s differences before they can comfortably approach this subject with their child. It might be much harder for some neurotypicals to feel comfortable with the social stigma faced by the neurodiverse than for children who themselves are neurodiverse. Beware of projecting your own fears and unresolved feelings onto your child. If you’re still processing and finding it hard to accept your child’s differences, it would be wise to seek the help of a mental health professional.

We have come a long way as a society with respect to our views and treatment of the neurodiverse, but many of us are still influenced by ableist beliefs, which regard differences as deficits or defects. If you open yourself to the idea that neurological variations are simply different ways of experiencing and functioning in this world, you will find that most of the conversations you have with your child about his differences will come from a place of empowerment, as opposed to disappointment or fear.

Is your child developmentally, psychologically, and emotionally ready to handle the information?
Look for signs.

Is he asking you questions about his abilities and challenges? Is he noticing that other kids can do things that he cannot? Is he asking why he needs therapy and accommodations at school while most of his friends don’t? If the answer to these questions is “yes,” then your child probably has the self-awareness needed to grasp what it means to be neurodiverse.

When discussing your child’s challenges, you might want to introduce him to the idea that everyone has different abilities. You could objectively describe his challenges as well as his strengths and his capacity to adapt and function in his own unique way. For example, you could say that even though his dysgraphia makes it difficult for him to write with a pen or pencil, he is quite good at using the computer for typing and completing school assignments. Or you could tell him that even though he struggles with running and other physical activities, he has a fantastic memory and a great ear for music.  

Is this the right time?

When choosing the best time to have this conversation, opt for a neutral, calm situation. Don’t bring up the subject during a moment of frustration or pain for either one of you—especially during a time when your child is struggling with his differences or with what he might perceive as his own “shortcomings.” This first conversation could set the tone for future ones. It will be the start of an ongoing exchange between you and your child, which will be transformed and enriched as he acquires more life experience.

Focus on adaptive strategies.

The more your kid understands how his neurodiversity manifests, the easier it will be for him to develop strategies to function and thrive in a neurotypical world. Discuss the many adaptive strategies he can employ now and in the future. Stress the importance of self-advocacy—only he can tell his teachers and the other people in his life what works for him and what doesn’t, whether it be school accommodations or a new routine at home. Further, the more your child speaks up and self-advocates, the more he will normalize his (as well as others’) neurodiversity.

By embracing the neurodiversity paradigm, both you and your child will move away from a deficit mindset toward one that focuses on his strengths and potential. And once you let that guide your life, having “the talk” will no longer feel awkward. Instead, it will be a continuous source of helpful information, emotional comfort, and self-discovery.

© Suri Pacinelli

Categories
Neurodiverse Conditions

What is Social Communication Disorder?

A child with autism in glasses sits on the sofa and is sad, hugs a soft toy teddy bear
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What is Social Communication Disorder?

Imagine you stumble upon a friend at the grocery store and the two of you start chatting. Assume that you’re both neurotypicals. Next, think about some of the elements that might go into having a smooth, successful interaction with your friend.

Greeting:

When two people run into each other, they typically say things like, “hello,” “good morning,” or “it’s great to see you.”

Nonverbal communication:

The two of you might smile and raise your eyebrows, expressing surprise at  your fortuitous encounter. You might get closer, so you can hear each other better, but keep a socially appropriate distance for the conversation. You will probably make eye contact, and your facial expressions and gestures will match the topic of your conversation.

Volume, tone and speed:

If the grocery store is noisy, you might speak loudly enough so you can hear each other. Your tone will be influenced by the conversation topic, and the speed of your sentences will be appropriate—not too slow (you’re both running errands after all!) and not too fast (you want to be able to understand each other’s words).

Rules of conversation:

One of you might introduce a relevant topic (“How is your Aunt Sally doing after her surgery?). You will likely take turns listening and speaking. You will keep the conversation to a convenient length and transition smoothly into its conclusion, maybe promising to catch up later.

Social cognition:

As someone who can take the perspective of another person, you might think, “My friend must be worried about her aunt after  last week’s surgery.” You will listen to your friend’s comments and match her emotions during the conversation.

Greeting:

When two people run into each other, they typically say things like, “hello,” “good morning,” or “it’s great to see you.”

Nonverbal communication:

The two of you might smile and raise your eyebrows, expressing surprise at  your fortuitous encounter. You might get closer, so you can hear each other better, but keep a socially appropriate distance for the conversation. You will probably make eye contact, and your facial expressions and gestures will match the topic of your conversation.

Volume, tone and speed:

If the grocery store is noisy, you might speak loudly enough so you can hear each other. Your tone will be influenced by the conversation topic, and the speed of your sentences will be appropriate—not too slow (you’re both running errands after all!) and not too fast (you want to be able to understand each other’s words).

Rules of conversation:

One of you might introduce a relevant topic (“How is your Aunt Sally doing after her surgery?). You will likely take turns listening and speaking. You will keep the conversation to a convenient length and transition smoothly into its conclusion, maybe promising to catch up later.

Social cognition:

As someone who can take the perspective of another person, you might think, “My friend must be worried about her aunt after  last week’s surgery.” You will listen to your friend’s comments and match her emotions during the conversation.

These are just a few of the things our brains must do when we’re communicating with others—and this list is by no means exhaustive. Many neurodiverse people, however, have difficulties using verbal and nonverbal language for social purposes. The term used for this neurological variation is social communication disorder (SCD).

What is

Social Communication?

Social communication is a multifaceted phenomenon that includes:

    • Language processing (the ability to understand and use words)
    • Social cognition (the ability to process information about others in social settings)
    • Pragmatics (the use of language in different contexts)
    • Social interaction

It is heavily influenced by cultural factors, so its rules can vary drastically among social groups, regions, and countries. These same rules are often reflective of the majority—or neurotypical—perspective, so it shouldn’t come as a shock that many neurodiverse individuals struggle with social communication.

Put simply, people with SCD have a hard time communicating in ways that are appropriate for particular social contexts. They might say the “wrong” thing or act in unusual ways because they don’t always understand the implicit rules of social communication. They often miss contextual clues, such as someone’s gestures and facial expressions, and might not understand language that is not literal, unambiguous, or direct.

Every individual with SCD is unique, and the condition manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes a person displays just a few, subtle symptoms—you might not even realize that he struggles with social communication. Other times, it could become clear early on that someone processes social communication very differently from you. Below, you will find some tell-tale signs:

  • People with SCD might not adapt their language to the person with whom they are speaking. For example, they might use the same tone and word choices with a young child and an adult. They might also struggle with switching between formal and informal language.
  • They might not adapt the information they are sharing to their listener, either providing too many details to someone who already knows the matter at hand or not enough information to a person who is not conversant with a particular subject.
  • They might have difficulties using greetings and initiating conversations. Similarly, they might have a hard time introducing a topic, staying on topic, maintaining a conversation, repairing a conversation when there is a misunderstanding, or matching the feelings of the other person.
  • They might not use appropriate volume, speed, tone, or maintain a socially acceptable distance when speaking with someone. They might speak with the same volume in the classroom as on the playground, for example.
  • They might misunderstand comments that are ambiguous, indirect or not literal. Jokes and sarcasm can be tricky concepts for people with social communication disorder.
  • Their expressions and gestures might not match their words.
  • They might not be able to interpret your facial expressions and gestures and could miss important contextual information as a result. If you look at your watch, and politely say, “I can’t believe it’s dinner time already” to indicate that it’s time to wrap up a conversation, they might brush off your comment and continue talking.

Neurotypicals subconsciously know the “rules” of social communication and might get thrown off when someone with SCD inadvertently breaks them. We might unfairly assume the person is being rude or inconsiderate. We might even think he or she isn’t intellectually capable of understanding what we’re telling them—which often isn’t the case.

To have a successful interaction with people with SCD, keep in mind that they have a different way of processing verbal and nonverbal communication. Their difference doesn’t mean they are not capable of communicating effectively or understanding what you want to tell them. You might just need to adapt your language and try your best to view the situation from their perspective— much like neurodiverse individuals do when interacting with neurotypicals.

Conditions

What are some conditions that tend to co-occur with SCD?

Researchers believe that there might be a genetic component to SCD. Some of the risk factors include:

    • ADHD
    • other language disorders such as receptive or expressive language disorder
    • learning disabilities
    • developmental delays
    • intellectual disability
    • hearing loss
    • traumatic brain injuries
    • dementia

(Note: Autism shares several SCD traits but is its own separate diagnosis.)

What can we do to accommodate people with social communication disorder?

A little flexibility goes a long way when communicating with people with SCD. At times, your interactions might look and sound a little different than the ones you have with neurotypicals, but don’t let that deter you. You can still have a rich, meaningful conversation despite the initial communication barriers. Here are some tips to make the process easier:

  • Keep language simple and direct. Double meanings or sarcasm might not be immediately understood and could cause confusion and anxiety.
  • Allow for pauses between statements and questions so that your friend with SCD has time to process the information being discussed. Be patient and allow this conversation to move a little slower than you might be used to.
  • Ask questions to make sure your friend understands what you’ve just said. Don’t move on to your next point until you know that you’re both on the same page. Sometimes, you will need to “overexplain” things that you think might be implicit or have been understood.
  • If you need to have an important conversation with someone with SCD, look for an environment that is free of sensory distractions such as too much noise, bright lights or crowds. Many individuals with SCD have sensory processing challenges, and if you lessen their cognitive load by going to a more calming environment, they will focus on the conversation better.
  • Practice active listening. Focus on what your friend is telling you, instead of thinking of a response while he’s still speaking. Try to minimize interruptions. Let him know that you’re paying attention by summarizing what he just said and, if needed, asking questions.
  • Focus on the intended meaning of your friend’s message and not so much on how the message is delivered. When speaking, individuals with SCD might use different intonations, volume, and speed than you might expect. This could throw you off sometimes, so remember to pay attention to your friend’s words and basic intention.
  • Don’t confuse linguistic output with how much a person understands. Many individuals with SCD can understand what is being communicated better than they can express it themselves. You don’t have to change the content of your conversation out of concern for their ability to understand it— you just might need to change its “packaging” by simplifying the communication and following some of the above suggestions.

Conclusion

Many neurodiverse individuals spend a lot of time and effort trying to understand the rules that govern social communication between neurotypicals. Often, these individuals struggle to override their instincts and express themselves in ways that neurotypicals might find “acceptable.” But we, neurotypicals, can also do our part to facilitate our social interactions with the neurodiverse. All it takes is flexibility—and some tweaks in the way we communicate.

© Suri Pacinelli

Categories
Neurodiverse Conditions

We have what it takes to socially integrate the neurodiverse, but we often fall short. Why?

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We have what it takes to socially integrate the neurodiverse, but we often fall short. Why?

We’ve come a long way when it comes to physically integrating neurodiverse individuals. But physical integration doesn’t automatically lead to social integration. In fact, despite their presence at schools, the workplace, and other social spaces, the neurodiverse are often ostracized, marginalized, and misunderstood. Why?

Many of us don’t even realize that, despite our best intentions, we might unconsciously harbor ableist beliefs and unwittingly discriminate against the neurodiverse.

That’s because our culture is deeply influenced by the medical model of disability, which regards any physical or cognitive variation—particularly those resulting in what might be considered underperformance in some areas—as “unhealthy” or as “problems” that need to be fixed.

It’s not an easy job to face our biases and go out of our way to socially integrate the neurodiverse—but it can be done. When we begin to understand the different neurodevelopmental conditions, we end up naturally discarding some of our prejudices. We also end up realizing that it’s possible to have a rewarding and fruitful interaction with the neurodiverse, despite some of the usual social communication barriers. A healthy dose of curiosity, respect, and flexibility can take us far.

We have what it takes to socially integrate the neurodiverse, but we often fall short. Why?

We’ve come a long way when it comes to physically integrating neurodiverse individuals. But physical integration doesn’t automatically lead to social integration. In fact, despite their presence at schools, the workplace, and other social spaces, the neurodiverse are often ostracized, marginalized, and misunderstood. Why?

Many of us don’t even realize that, despite our best intentions, we might unconsciously harbor ableist beliefs and unwittingly discriminate against the neurodiverse. 

That’s because our culture is deeply influenced by the medical model of disability, which regards any physical or cognitive variation—particularly those resulting in what might be considered underperformance in some areas—as “unhealthy” or as “problems” that need to be fixed.

It’s not an easy job to face our biases and go out of our way to socially integrate the neurodiverse—but it can be done. When we begin to understand the different neurodevelopmental conditions, we end up naturally discarding some of our prejudices. We also end up realizing that it’s possible to have a rewarding and fruitful interaction with the neurodiverse, despite some of the usual social communication barriers. A healthy dose of curiosity, respect, and flexibility can take us far.