How do I tell my child about his difference?
Your special needs child might very well be aware of his difference. But does he fully grasp the nature of his neurodiversity?
Unless you have approached this topic with him, it is possible that even though your kid knows he has specific challenges, he might not understand why he has them. This is especially true in cases of neurodevelopmental conditions, as opposed to physical or medical disabilities.
Many parents of neurodiverse children struggle with whether to have this conversation with their child. They fear the information might be difficult for the kid to process, or that the weight of a disclosed diagnosis could shatter their child’s fragile self-esteem.
However, most experts agree this conversation should happen at some point. Below, you will find some things you might want to consider before initiating the talk.
How do I tell my child about his difference?
Your special needs child might very well be aware of his differences. But does he fully grasp the nature of his neurodiversity?
Unless you have approached this topic with him, it is possible that even though your kid knows he has specific challenges, he might not understand why he has them. This is especially true in cases of neurodevelopmental conditions, as opposed to physical or medical disabilities.
Many parents of neurodiverse children struggle with whether to have this conversation with their child. They fear the information might be difficult for the kid to process, or that the weight of a disclosed diagnosis could shatter their child’s fragile self-esteem.
However, most experts agree this conversation should happen at some point. Below, you will find some things you might want to consider before initiating the talk.
Are you ready for this conversation?
To test your readiness for this discussion, you might want to examine your views toward neurodiversity. Have you come to terms with your child’s differences or diagnosis, if he has one? Do you view people with neurodevelopmental conditions as “less than” or in need of a medical “cure”? Do you worry about what others might think once they find out that your child is neurodiverse? Do you think that your kid’s self-esteem will be affected once he learns that he is “different”?
Parents need to accept and embrace their child’s differences before they can comfortably approach this subject with their child. It might be much harder for some neurotypicals to feel comfortable with the social stigma faced by the neurodiverse than for children who themselves are neurodiverse. Beware of projecting your own fears and unresolved feelings onto your child. If you’re still processing and finding it hard to accept your child’s differences, it would be wise to seek the help of a mental health professional.
We have come a long way as a society with respect to our views and treatment of the neurodiverse, but many of us are still influenced by ableist beliefs, which regard differences as deficits or defects. If you open yourself to the idea that neurological variations are simply different ways of experiencing and functioning in this world, you will find that most of the conversations you have with your child about his differences will come from a place of empowerment, as opposed to disappointment or fear.
Is your child developmentally, psychologically, and emotionally ready to handle the information?
Look for signs.
Is he asking you questions about his abilities and challenges? Is he noticing that other kids can do things that he cannot? Is he asking why he needs therapy and accommodations at school while most of his friends don’t? If the answer to these questions is “yes,” then your child probably has the self-awareness needed to grasp what it means to be neurodiverse.
When discussing your child’s challenges, you might want to introduce him to the idea that everyone has different abilities. You could objectively describe his challenges as well as his strengths and his capacity to adapt and function in his own unique way. For example, you could say that even though his dysgraphia makes it difficult for him to write with a pen or pencil, he is quite good at using the computer for typing and completing school assignments. Or you could tell him that even though he struggles with running and other physical activities, he has a fantastic memory and a great ear for music.
Is this the right time?
When choosing the best time to have this conversation, opt for a neutral, calm situation. Don’t bring up the subject during a moment of frustration or pain for either one of you—especially during a time when your child is struggling with his differences or with what he might perceive as his own “shortcomings.” This first conversation could set the tone for future ones. It will be the start of an ongoing exchange between you and your child, which will be transformed and enriched as he acquires more life experience.
Focus on adaptive strategies.
The more your kid understands how his neurodiversity manifests, the easier it will be for him to develop strategies to function and thrive in a neurotypical world. Discuss the many adaptive strategies he can employ now and in the future. Stress the importance of self-advocacy—only he can tell his teachers and the other people in his life what works for him and what doesn’t, whether it be school accommodations or a new routine at home. Further, the more your child speaks up and self-advocates, the more he will normalize his (as well as others’) neurodiversity.
By embracing the neurodiversity paradigm, both you and your child will move away from a deficit mindset toward one that focuses on his strengths and potential. And once you let that guide your life, having “the talk” will no longer feel awkward. Instead, it will be a continuous source of helpful information, emotional comfort, and self-discovery.